The Trouble with Herbert

One of the things that you need before starting chemo is a medi-port.  Basically it is a way of giving you an IV without having to stab your arm every time.  Sounds pretty innocuous really, and it sounds a lot like procedure that my mom had while she was going through her heart issues.   Since it is going to be with me for the next year I have decided to name mine Herbert.

When the doctor told me I needed this medi-port, I thought I understood it.  When the pre-registration person at the hospital called to confirm my time to get it, I asked her to go over it again and still thought I understood it.   I did ask if someone needed to be with me and she said no but someone needs to drive you home “because you will be sore.”  

I was coming back from Michigan that morning, October 12, and ran some errands then took a cab from my house to the outpatient surgery wing of Alexandria Inova Hospital.  Juan had committed to come and get me to deliver me safely home (thanks Juan!)  I get there and the nurse says that we are going to the cardiology wing.  What? I asked why and she said that they are having construction on their area and this is just an extra space to use.  So I was not alarmed.  Then the physician assistant comes in and shows me the medi-port and walks through the procedure.  While it is more involved than what my mom had, I still don’t have any big red flags about the whole thing even when he says they will give me some drugs to relax me and local anesthesia so I won’t feel a thing. 

I wait in this room thinking that soon they will come back with a tray of stuff and put it in right there (like they did with my mom) but nooooooo…… they come in and start wheeling me down the hall.  I asked where in the hell are we going – she say oh down to our regular room.  Ok, no biggie, right?  Ha! No. It is an OPERATING ROOM!  And the doctor there says she is going to give me something to make me “relax and fall asleep.”  At this point I am panicked A) because I don’t have someone with me,  B) because I think Tracy and Laurie are going to kill me for not having someone with me,  C) I know I need to let them do it anyway because this was the only appointment they had so I could get my chemo started and I want to start killing this cancer on Friday.

I suck it up and I calmly say to the doctor “I am not going to fall asleep.” 

She smiled politely and said “we’ll see.” 

I said “yes, you will.”

They are right, I not feel a thing of what they were doing BUT I knew everything that was going on because despite being given THREE times what they normally give to people for this procedure, I did NOT go to sleep and I remember the entire procedure including the fact that they actually stuck the thing in my jugular vein!   I had lovely chats with all of the nurses and we know about each others’ pets and favorite TV shows.  I also had a long conversation about Canada with the one who is from there.  But no, I did not fall asleep because someone needed to look out for me and today that someone was ME!  (and yes I have since told the referring doctor and the Inova staff that they need to explain this better to people – the doctor who installed Herbert said she had never seen anyone resist the medication in this way – I told her “well you needed to meet ME I guess.”)

Anyway, as soon as I felt the danger was over, I was out COLD.   When I woke up, a very concerned looking Juan was sitting in my room. That startled me because I thought I was calling Juan to pick me up.  But the nurse went looking for him in the waiting area so she brought him up.  I think he had a similar scare about “oh she is up in the cardiac unit” but he was all smiles when I woke up and was super sweet taking me home and making sure I was ok.  (thanks sweetie!)

Note to self – get more information any time they say the word “procedure.”  Herbert was an operation NOT a simple “procedure.”  They are also wrong that “you won’t even know it is there.”  Bullshit.  I know it is there and I feel it every day.  Necessary evil – that is Herbert.  Little bastard.