When Elvis Presley went in the military, there was much news coverage of his head getting shaved for bootcamp – his comment was “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow” and he took it in stride. Sorry Elvis, I won’t be living up to that level of coolness.
The fact is – the worst thing about chemotherapy is losing your hair.
Why? Because it just is.
Okay I do have some theories about it. One is that hair loss is the thing you can’t really hide. Oh sure you can get a fabulous wig that costs as much as a used car, but then you still can’t even hide it from yourself. At some point you see the hair coming out, the bald spot etc. And when that happens, you can no longer be in denial that you are seriously ill. That moment completely sucks.
When you start wearing wigs or hats, you aren’t able to hide it from the world either. Obviously I am being really open about this crap, but so far that has been just to the people I wanted or needed to tell. Once the hair thing happens, anyone can know. It is an outward sign that your life is completely out of control. Man does that ever piss me off.
Then there is the whole femininity issue – my breasts trying to kill me are bad enough but then I can’t even keep my hair through it? Adding insult to illness as far as I am concerned.
There are a lot of milestones on the hair loss journey.
The first is when the doctor makes it clear that your hair loss is inevitable. When Dr. Favret was going over the side effects of chemo, there was a lot of “you might have this, or you might have that, but you are definitely going to lose your hair.” At that moment you want to scream.
Then you go home from the doctor and see yourself in the mirror and that you still look fine and that your hair is pretty and for a brief second you think you would rather keep your hair and let cancer win. At that moment you sob uncontrollably until you puke.
You don’t notice the hair loss at first. It seems like just what usually comes out when you wash or brush your hair. But then suddenly you realize that it is ten times as much that you are holding in your hand. At then comes the day that so much hair comes out in your hand that you gag and cry, but you start thinking about cutting your hair off to make the falling out part a little less icky. But you aren’t there yet so you just keep crying.
You try to plan ahead. There is option of just being bald. I think this works particularly well for dark skinned women because their skin is so beautiful and for women with nice shaped heads. (Men seem to handle that better as well – though I totally understand it is hard for them too) I don’t fit into either the beautiful skin or beautiful shape categories. In fact, I have discovered that I have a birthmark I didn’t know about as well as an odd bump that would make bare head even more hideous.
There is the scarf or hat option but since I do not have a nice shaped head, I also don’t do well with scarves and hats, so the best option for me is a wig (at least for being seen by other people). Is it vanity? I don’t know and don’t particularly care – it is what I need so I don’t care what other people think.
I can tell you for certain that every time someone mentions the free wigs that the American Cancer Society has you want to slap them. Don’t get me wrong - it is lovely that the American Cancer Society does this. But I have seen them and for the most part they look like the wigs that Vickie Lawrence and Carol Burnett used to wear on “Mama’s Family.” But really do I seem like I need a free wig? And if I did need one I have been offered a plethora of wigs from well-meaning drag queens anyway.
That being said I also want to slap people who think that it will be so fun and glamorous to get wigs! When you have stood in your bathroom, combing your hair and big tangled globs of it come out in your hands, and then tell me how effing glamorous and fun that is. It just isn’t.
Of course there are lots of wig shops around and I have had many of them recommended to me like you can just walk in one and find a great looking wig. Sure you can, if you want to look like a drag queen. I don’t or I would just borrow one. So I went to the special hair loss wig salon and got two fabulous-if-you-must-wear-one wigs. They are lovely and people who don’t know me don’t necessarily know it is a wig, but I hate them on principle. I have named the real hair one Charlotte and the synthetic one Sasha. I like the look of Sasha better but Charlotte feels better on my head. I am probably going to get one of the baseball hats that has an attached pony tail to wear when I don’t want to do full wig. No, I won’t be burning any of them when this is over because there are a lot of women who don’t have the ability to buy nice wigs and I will definitely want to donate mine to someone in need. While I hate them, it would be a waste to trash them.
Is there a bright side? You might think so but NO – if wearing a wig isn’t something you are doing for fun because you want to, it just sucks.
There are some myths about wigs and I feel compelled to educate my friends about:
1) Wearing a wig means never having a bad hair day. HELL NO it doesn’t. Wigs, even great ones, get itchy and hot and sometimes even hurt because your scalp gets sensitive with the chemo. They can be hot (I am fortunate for the cold weather right now). Synthetic wigs get static from hell. Real hair ones lose their curl in humidity and rain.
2) A good wig is secure on your head. Well that is partially true – a good wig fits well and is mostly secure – EXCEPT the wind is not your friend, and sometimes when someone hugs you it can come off your head (yes the latter has happened)
3) You can pin a wig on to make it more secure – HELLO what do you think is under my wig?? My HEAD – no you can’t pin it on! Sheesh.
4) You never have to go without a wig – nope – you can’t sleep in it and you can’t wash it while it is on your head. And when you don’t have it on – you head gets really cold. However, I do not leave the house without one on and won’t and no, you can’t see me without it. It is bad enough that I have to have this memory – I don’t want my friends to have it too. There will also be no pictures without a wig. This is not negotiable.
5) Wearing a wig saves you money on hair supplies – nope – for starters a good one is damned expensive. And you have to get special shampoo for them, wig stands, special brushes, so it is a wash on costs really. You have to continue to wash the hair you have too and condition your head to keep the scalp from getting sore.
6) Wigs aren’t any work – also not true – you have to style real hair wigs like you do your own hair and while it is slightly easier to do the back because you style it on the stand, it doesn’t respond the way your own hair does. But real hair wigs at least feel better on your neck, softer and natural.
7) Synthetic wigs are easier. Well not really – they just have different problems – as I just said they can get static from hell and the hair will stand right on end. (yep that has happened) They also can melt if you are by a hot oven or under a heater at a restaurant waiting for your car valet. They also poke you in a way that is itchy because they are stiffer than real hair.
8) Wearing fun color crazy wigs will make it more fun – NO. JUST NO. Don’t ever effing say it in front of me again. Ever.
That is not to say that I am just completely bitchy about the whole hair thing. In my prior post, I did have a return of a sense of humor about it when the hair place telemarketed me. But as it hair loss gets more real, the struggle gets harder and because it is a gradual thing, it freaks you out multiple times and makes you cry more than it should.
But at least you know it is coming- and there is a moment that makes you ready to try to seize control of it. Mine was on Tuesday at the US Chamber of Commerce Korea Trade meeting (are you seeing a theme here on Korea?) Anyway, I am sitting in a meeting already upset because a lot of hair had come out that morning and a big wad of hair tangle plops down on the table. I quickly slept if off into my purse and sat there praying that no one saw it. (You have never seen a hand move so fast!) I cried the whole way back to the office. I knew that I had to go get my hair cut shorter so deal with it falling out and start hiding it with a wig.
I went to a salon over lunch and explained to the stylist what I needed – a short “pixie” cut to get me through the mass hair loss days and that I wanted to wear it short for a little while. Well this moronic woman thinks that this equates to a marine jar head cut and grabbed a razor and before I knew it shaved a line up the back of my head. I wanted to kill her with my bare hands. It was HORRIBLE but too late to do anything about it other than cry – a lot. But it meant that there was no pixie transition hair – I had to go straight home and put on a wig and cried some more.
Everyone has been supportive about how the wigs look although here is a word vomit comment you must all learn never ever every to say to anyone – “Oh that looks better than your real hair.” Don’t say it – even if it is true. Just don’t.
I am getting used to wearing wigs but I long for my own hair. Despite what the doctor tells me, I am terrified that it isn’t really going to grow back. I have nightmares about it and they make me cry. She also tells me it may come back in a different color or curlier – I am fine with that as long as it comes back.
I know I sound like I am wigging out – or have flipped my wig – but I want to give you an honest view of the bullshit I have to go through. So now you know the truth….. I am a bitter wig wearing bitch!!!! :-P
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